Footie pundit? Err yes

The Euros, I’m a big fan.

To tell the truth I’m not, but now we’re getting somewhere I feel I’m ready to support Gareth in the dug out, I’ll even wear a waistcoat (which frankly I was disappointed not to see last night) to show my alliance to the fella that missed that penalty all those years ago (Euro 96) and his mum famously said “Why didn’t you just blast it, dear?”

I thought I’d share the conversation myself and Mr had while we watched, and I coached England. And yes, he very much enjoyed my participation before you ask!!

Me: “What’s his name?”

“Jordan Pickford”

“I don’t like the name Jordan, I bet he was born in the 90’s. Hang on, I’ll Google him. Christ he was born in 1994, where was I in ’94? Erm, I think that was the year I went to Kavos and got my nose pierced.”

“Why do they keep kicking the ball backwards. Don’t they know that’s Jordan at that end. For the love of God, go towards the other fella you divs. What’s his name?”

“Saka”

“Man of the match right there. He’s the only one playing football, the rest spend too bloody long advertising hair gel in non-speaking roles in adverts on the telly. They play football as well as they act. Over paid div’s….. and who’s that one?”

“Raheem Sterling.”

“Well he’s quite a busy wee fella isn’t he? All puffed up and chest out. Is he weeny do you think? Yes, I can see how big the other players are, and ok, he does look a bit smaller but the others might be giants and he’s a normal man size…. Forward… please can they just kick the ball forwards!”

Goal 1

(insert clapping and cheering) “Didn’t I say it? Well didn’t I? Raheem is a busy wee fella. Nice one Raheem. He has got beautiful teeth, do you think he’s had a brace? They don’t look like big plastic celebrity teeth, I reckon they are his actual teeth. I wish I had teeth like his. That smile, now he should be advertising toothpaste and stuff, he’s lovely.”

Camera onto Royal box

“Do you think Kate has to have singing lessons for the national anthem in case someone records her and she sounds like a cat? George is up late, he’s got school in the morning. Bet Kate’s already done his lunchbox, jam sarnies or posh ones, perhaps he’s got a royal palate and has paté. What crisps? All kids eat Wotsits or Quavers, do you think he’s allowed them? ……. Forwards. Ah Raheem no, what are you doing?! How did he miss that? It’s our day I can feel it. Come on!”

“Poor George, do you think that’s a suit that turns into his pyjamas, it’s very late for him to be out? At least they’ve stopped dressing him like the ghost of a Victorian child. Breaches and knee socks, seriously! Kate’s all fabulous in Reiss and LK Bennett and he’s wearing a Charles Dickens fancy dress costume, poor lamb.”

“There’s Ed Sheeran. Wow, can you imagine being a little ginger bloke from Suffolk and then there you are with Becks and the royals. Unreal. I still would David Beckham, just so you know. Check her out, if I was sitting in front of David Beckham and Ed Sheeran I’d fake a heart attack and snog him when he gave me mouth to mouth. Becks that is, not Ed, he can sing me back to life but I’d never snog him so you needn’t worry about Ed.”

Smile love that’s David Beckham & Ed Sheeran

(insert clapping) “That was a great save Jordan, well done.”

“Could you pause it, I could use a wee. Alright calm down, I’ll hold it. But consider it noted for next time we’re watching something and you’re making crystals in your kidneys.”

“Gareth, you are a bloody genius. I said from the start didn’t I, that we have world class talent? Oh he’s nice, number 7 with the hairband. Jack, oh yes, isn’t that Beck’s number? Maybe you have to be hot to be number 7.”

Goal 2

(insert dancing and clapping and leg crossing to hold in aforementioned wee.)

“I can’t even look…. alright, alright calm down, I know they’re not going to score three goals in the last thirty seconds.”

Post match interviews:

“I love his haircut. I bet that was expensive. Look that little bit there… nice.”

The Fans

For me the highlight of any England match that we win is the fans. They are so funny, the old, the young, the shirtless fat, I love them all.

Post Match fun

Mr Rob Beckett enjoyed a few shandies and filmed himself eating KFC on the ground next to some bins. To see his funny posts click here

Meanwhile Stormzy (click here to see in full) said if England win he’d go back to some guy’s house who happened to be in the same pub as him. We won, he went back. How funny to have Stormzy round for a beer.

And that is why we love the football.

It’s coming home, really this time it is but I reckon it might have to quarantine for a while as it’s been all round Europe for years!

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